Fast Lane

I have returned from China, and therefore this blog is finished. If I have any thoughts I'll add them to this post. Thanks for following.

Scenes of the Yu Garden

If the title wasn't enough, here are pictures of the aforementioned Yu Garden.








And the photo I insisted to cc was good:

Watch, Bag, DVD?

I went to the big "trinket" market yesterday, and here's a quick rundown of how it went:

• Approach the general area
• Small Asian person walks up to us and says "Watch, Bag, DVD?" while unfolding a collage of watches, bags, and DVDs
• Approach a store front, and probably hear, "Hello! English DVD?"
• Repeat every 20 seconds
• Teenage Asian girl walks up and asks if we want to come see an art gallery. It's a scam, and essentially it involves being led upstairs to look at some random art, then being told, at the end, to pay a shitload of money. Enter two huge Chinese guys.
• Enter any store, look at any item, and an owner approaches while pointing and saying "Look, good"
• "Hello! English DVD?"
• Went to the Yu Garden, which was cool. Pictures later.
• Walk by a Starbucks in the middle of the trinket market. Excellent.
• The world is still obsessed with the idea that white people like to buy T-shirts
• Leave

If you're wondering, we did not buy any "Watch, Bag, DVD".

Party On

With a little less than $3 in my pocket, I just picked up Borat and a 40. Good times ahead.

Update: Apparently fireworks of any magnitude are completely legal, even when done between two tall-ass buildings. I believe this because all I can hear is the explosions, all I can see is the color, and about 10 car alarms are now going off. Wonderful.

Even In China, White People Can't Dance

So cc and I went clubbing a few nights ago, here's a few notes from the experience:

• It cost about $10 for all you can drink, all night.
• That dice game from Pirates 2 is insanely popular.
• Tall Europeans dance nerdier than you can imagine.
• If you're white, VIP rooms are easy to get in. In fact, no one even attempts to stop you.
• I can get drunk.
• I can get sick.
• Never acknowledge my requests when they consist of "Just leave me here!"
• It is true when you hear that old Asian men pay to have girls talk to them.

cc has some girl stalking him now, yet he cannot remember her face.

China's Newest Tour Guide: ME

According to my plentiful reader e-mails, my last post of photos sucked swollen dick (guess which half of that sentence isn't true). To counter that, and to keep my readership above 3, here's a much better set (again, partially a lie).

Prelude: cc left me alone this morning with his camera and hours to kill. I roamed.

I began with no Chinese currency (RMB), so I had to exchange some dollars.

Stood in the wrong line for 10 minutes until a little lady pointed me away.

Hunger struck quickly, and without any knowledge of Chinese, I headed to the one place I knew.



Stale bread.

Under a full stomache, I begin shopping.

First, I found the ultimate convenience store: shoes and soda.

The package deal was amazing.

Next I searched for fine jewelry, but the store counters were filled with cigarettes.


I thought I found a Cavs fan club...

But it was some asshole securities firm.

I have seen no black people.


Wait, nevermind.

Cheap joke?

I'm going.


With boredom setting in, it came time to find the next best thing: whores.

Option 1:

Maybe.

Dos:

Two barber spinners means whorehouse. Four means...not even I want to know what four means.

III:

Jackpot.

And, finally, the next logical thing to do...

 
 

$3.

It is now noon.

Morning Photos

From 15 stories up and several hours too early.

No Need for Lanes

I told cc there is no reason for theme parks here; the cab rides serve the purpose well.

Here's a list of motor skills that don't exist in Shanghai: use of side mirrors, use of rearview mirror, attention to speed limits, the ability to stay in your lane, the "fast lane" (they are all fast), courtesy to pedestrians, the two-to-three second rule, and fucking safety.

Here's what drivers do possess in Shanghai: ability to lay on the horn, constant flashing of highs, the need to come within inches of bumper-to-bumper contact, ability to cut people off every 3-5 seconds, and the misuse of seatbelts (they don't use them).

By the way, if you don't jump the green light, people will let you know it's your turn. Think honking at your friends as a joke, but being completely serious about it.

Needless to say, crossing the street is one of my least favorite activities at this point. Why? Apart from the above reasons, eye-to-eye contact with a driver is a signal that you see them and are getting out of the way, not that they should slow down to let you cross. Get hit? Your fault!

First Post

Blogger decided I could speak Chinese because I logged on from Shanghai. That was fun trying to change it back, for the first 4 seconds at least.

In an effort to starve the boredom while my host, cc, is at class, I will serve up my best observations from my first visit to Asia. And for you fellow spicers (not a word), some photos may be uploaded when I remember to take them. Enjoy.

Also, I'd like to note that I can stream NBA games from halfway around the world at better quality than I can from my house in Virginia. Maybe Yao is responsible for some good (go Cavs).